All is well. The biopsy was benign. I need to see the doctor next year for another scope. I am being watched, I suppose. Otto Rank, a disciple of Freud, and a kind of genius — bedmate of Anais Nin — tells a story of his youth. Planning to shoot himself during a bout with Sturm und Drang, at the last moment he moved the weapon away from his head. He later observed, later that same day, that he felt so remarkably alive and vital; that he was again engaged with the world, and that the experience was more than relief, but ecstatic. I do not do the anecdote justice, but when I read it years ago I chose to remember it. I later incorporated it into a long article that was published about Rank in Pilgrimage.
I have been given a reprieve — until next time. Like trying to gather up a small bead of mercury on the floor, I cannot wrap my mind about this experience. Threat comes to self, threat is removed — all by chance and happenstance. I am left spinning like a skewed dreidel. I did not pray to god, irrelevant, immaterial, non-existent, a fraud perpetrated upon man and woman. I thought more of Rochelle and asked for her assistance. A prayer to an immortal which only made me feel better. Better a prayer to a passed loved one than a prayer to an idol of the mind.
I fall back upon myself in such dreadful instances and the few loving people about me, my son, Jane, she of the compassionate and practical mind. I believe I could blog about this all day, giving threads of associations, philosophical disquistions. But it all comes down to fear. It is fear that must be dealt with for it cripples and weakens resolve. Oh, one more thing, to those of you younger than I — the more a situation is repeated such as the one I just had, the less prior experience can help you with it. The past is dead in these cases. The answer is in the moment or, better still, the question is better posed in the present. So, when dire news comes again I just hope that I can handle it freshly, new, and look upon it as if it were for the first time. In this instance prior learning is useless. The event is too new, too pressing, too threatening. My appreciation to Cinderkeys for her thoughtfulness.
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