I Really Don’t Want to Write Anything

Of late because of external problems exploding into our home, I have to deal, once again, with fear. The fear is grounded, of course, about an expenditure of money that I do not have. However, internally I feel that the old, often ancient measures I used to deal with fear are in place once again. It is an armoring that causes me to assume the guise of a castle under siege. I have no control over the causes of this fear but I can only deal with how I respond to all this. I will wait until the other shoe falls and then I’ll decide what I can do. The options that I have available are not good ones, but they are choices. The coarse and cruel self-fantasies I have do me no good. Classically, while I am under siege the same defenses come to the fore, but there are mitigating circumstances because I have lived long, experienced too much and have survived a somewhat scathing life.

Although I endure the miseries and calamities all of us have had in life, I feel my life has had too much in it to say that I have lived a reasonably good existence. Adversity has been my “friend.” I often feel, like tonight, that I am being perennially tested. I make no appeal to a god that does not exist, so prayer is out of the question. When an atheist is under duress, it is a measure of his belief system that he does not make that ludicrous appeal to a god that does not exist. The appeal I must  make is to my self, existential, you know, and all that.

When my wife, Rochelle, died ten years ago I was escorted by a hospital minister or pastor to the “viewing room.” It was the first time in two days that I saw Rochelle. Trauma is not the word for it; however, the minister, well-meaning, no doubt, asked me if I wanted to pray with her. I knew that I was being tested once again and I chose not to cave. I said no. She did not pursue this with me. I looked at Rochelle on the gurney, a window separating us, and I dealt with all that.

I lost a daughter, saw another daughter almost crippled by a car accident, was savaged by a divorce and so on. As I look back I have had to deal with real trauma and know I’m dealing with a kind of trauma again, but in no way in this league of horrors. It all makes me think about fear and how I handle it, or how is one to handle it. Other than Jane and my son, the only close one I have is me. Unfortunately, this being my nature, I deal with it in private ways — too late to change now, although I’ve softened. As a friend once said to me, he thought my life was a holocaust (small “h”) in itself. Perhaps. If it is, I have learned serendipitous survivor techniques. I am not dead, I am not ill — he lives! he lives! Again, I must deal with fear. Fear is one of the great words of human existence. How we manage it determines how we live free of fear, a conundrum. I don’t think I manage it well but manage it I do. I am one of those individuals who cannot be comforted by others. Conditioned as a human being in this area, I’ve decided to face fear alone which is not necessarily salutary.

I cannot deal with those factors or individuals who bring fear to my doorstep. I can only work on how I deal with fear which brings me low at moments, such as what is happening in the next few days. If I get ahead of myself, the options look very dark and I feel stymied, so I am trying to stay in the present as one way of guarding against being overwhelmed. The irony is that repetitive bouts of fear and facing fear and emerging alive and well afterwards is no guarantee that the werewithal will be there again. No, I will not break — not in my fabric; if the worst scenario occurs I will enter despair or depression and then try to work myelf out of that. Again, ironically, each of us must learn how to deal with a whole host of mental states in our existence; no school can prepare you for this. Only living, which is an immense bumper ball game, can teach you anything if you are open to learning.

Fear has to be faced, has to be announced to oneself by oneself if there is any change or direction in one’s life. One! One! One! I hope that tomorrow at this time I can share better results; if not, I will be dealing with inordinate fear much beyond that which I need at this time in my lfe.

Wish me luck

Comments

4 responses to “I Really Don’t Want to Write Anything”

  1. David Avatar
    David

    “I am one of those individuals who cannot be comforted by others.” As the street-talkers say, I feel you.”

    Fear is a killer. And even the utopians and reformists use fear as a tool to manipulate the mass men.

    All frailty and folly of Mel Gibson aside (and all of ours), APOCALYPTO is a masterpiece that shows the trap of fear and the glorification of fearlessness.

    Often, we fear our own pasts, their powerful pain.

  2. Jane Avatar

    In my youth, I remember several of my friends emphatically asserting that “they didn’t want to have any regrets.” I too did not want to look back in sadness at what I fearfully failed to do. It is a common concern of the young. We don’t realize that we are all Oedipus. What we do to avoid regret and tragedy often steers us to it.

    I think we all long for a smooth ride, complete with adventure and devoid of heartache.

    Wayne Fields writes in The Past Leads a Life of Its Own: “Remembering, we aspire after a single story, a narrative, edifying and admirable, that runs from our unquestionable beginning toward some satisfying close, the conclusion that yet remains beyond us.”

    Do any of us get it? . . .only in the movies

  3. Harry Avatar

    good luck, we are pulling for you….

  4. Laura Suer Avatar

    It is so hard to endure the calamities and adversities in our lives. It so easy to be grateful for all the good and joyous events and so hard to accept and be grateful for the hardships. It is the bad and good TOGETHER that make us the person that we are in life. If we fight and struggle with the negativity in our lives without eventually embracing it, I think we lose out. Of course, this all easier said than done and is not at all easy. I am sorry for all your troubles and hope things will be getting better for you soon. Hang in there. I know it’s a corny saying, but remember what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.

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